Misc
Filler Feature: The Cat on the Wall Gig Routine

By Jordan Mooney.
Routine built in partnership with Matthew Sambrook and Kane Foster.

Everybody has a routine when it comes to concerts, regardless of genre or location – certain ‘traditions’ that you establish as your gig count racks up. This can surround travelling to the city in which the gig is due to take place, or finding your bearings, or simply what you have to do before returning to your hotel, car, private jet or pumpkin carriage.

Today, for the benefit of absolutely nobody, we at Cat on the Wall present our methods.*

*In actual fact, it’s because of some slow responding music promoters leaving us with no feature this week. The result is this filler piece is one of the most informal things we’ve ever published..!

 

—THE CAT ON THE WALL ROUTINE—

Step One: Dress to confuse or impress.

It is no secret to our music roster that, if you’ve got a chap in the audience scanning your every move, wearing a waistcoat and some sort of tie, you’ve got a Jordan. Without fail, it has become a standard of our concert attendance – Jordan has got to be dressed like somebody a minimum of fifty years ago. While this does, as well documented, attract a series of unusual looks, it also has a strong plus of attracting the attention of musicians, both on stage and off. Similarly, it can attract attention from the audience members, and, if it’s an alternative gig you’re attending, it will pretty much always be positive. It also guarantees a good photo opportunity. If you plan to attend this venue or this musician’s gigs in future…build up a uniform!

 

Step Two: Steak.

We’re terrible carnivores at Cat on the Wall, and as a result have a ridiculous love affair with red meats. This means that every trip, whether to a five day festival or a venue only a twenty minute walk away, will mean a visit to our favourite barbeque restaurant – this can be either before or after the train journey back to Leeds Railway Station for us. Our personal favourite for this part of the routine is Red’s True Barbeque, across the road from the Corn Exchange in Leeds. There’s also one in Manchester, should your musicians force you to travel there instead. Their steak is quite fabulous. Alternatively, we find Wetherspoons more than passable; as long as you make sure it’s still mooing away for its lost brethren. (Meaning have it rare, or at the very least, medium rare.)
The bottom line is that somewhere, a big slab of cow’s arse always appears in our evening, as it should in yours. If you’re a vegetarian, I recommend something similar, but vegetarian. I genuinely don’t know what the steak alternative is. This is a poorly researched article. I’m sorry.

 

Step Three: Walk to the venue. Don’t get a bloody taxi.

This is fairly important to us and is validated by the following:

A) It makes for a thrilling adventure in worlds unknown.
B) Out of town venues are a cornerstone of punk ethic.
C) It allows you to explore and see interesting things, such as a road sign with hilarious graffiti, or a duck sitting on a roof.
D) It allows for conversation with your gig partner.
E) It makes it far easier to get your bearings, should you end up heavily inebriated and certain that you can walk home from Nottingham.
F, and most importantly for a Yorkshireman) It is several pounds cheaper.

 

Step Four: If you’re in a hotel, go for a nice hotel.

Fairly simple. Either go for a brand hotel you know well (not Travelodge. Get a Holiday Inn at the very least. Show some dignity.), or a hotel that’s well reputed. Normally for a single evening, money shouldn’t be much of a problem, and to be fair, you’re unlikely to do much sleeping anyway.

We have the philosophy that every gig should be a notch on the experience belt, and thus tend to go for variety wherever we can. A good ‘base’ for your visit to see a band is essential for a good overall experience.

 

And the most important step…

Step Five: Hot Chocolate.

This is probably the most important of all. Hot Chocolate is a massively important fixture of our gig schedule. Whether purchased in advance, at a cocktail bar/restaurant, mysterious and sinister 24 hour coffee shop, scooped from a magic well, or at a Tesco express, hot chocolate is genuinely a bloody fantastic way to ‘tone down’ after a concert. For extra points, get marshmallows and spray cream. Home luxuries – meaning tons of things that really aren’t good for you – just feel good after a loud, screamy, shouty evening in a tired old pub.

 

Finally…

 

Step Six: Have a laugh.

Make sure people know about your routine, and have fun observing it. Laugh about it. Introduce friends to it. It’s genuinely a very fun little thing to go along with your gig count, adds a lot of character to an evening and above all else, can make hot chocolate funny.

Only the greatest things in life make hot chocolate funny. It’s a scientific fact.*

*Not proven.

 

Normal, band based features shall be resumed shortly!

About the author

Compulsive hat wearer, eccentric, fan of all things audio-visual, part time Goth, historian, and railway enthusiast, Jordan is the closest you can get to everybody's weird uncle. Except he's less than 60 years old.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *